Heading to the coat check at an event the other night I saw a woman I had heard speak about a year ago and thought was great.
Now I’m sure of it.
We said hello. Then someone came up and she gave her a hug. I said, joking, “I didn’t get a hug.”
Being Edith, she turned and immediately gave me a hug. She then told me the other person was a relative. Boy, was I embarrassed! But notice the sequence: first the hug, then the explanation.
What if we all made a habit of that? Not asking for hugs–though I think that we could all use more of them–but offering support first, then feedback?
Instead, it’s tempting to begin by telling people what they’ve done wrong. Funny thing about that. When you tell someone, “You just blew it, and here’s how,” the person very rarely says, “Tell me more.” No. It just creates bad feeling.
Patrick McKenzie, in a piece I call “Customer Service 101, 201, 301, and 401,” because I think it says it all (look for it here: http://www.kalzumeus.com/2007/02/16/how-to-deal-with-abusive-customers/) points out that when you bend a business policy to help a customer, the customer doesn’t think, “What a pushover.” Or, at least, most people don’t. They just appreciate the fact that you cut them some slack. (And they come back.)
Susan RoAne tells a story of how Patricia Fripp, talking with some people at a mixer, suddenly noticed someone standing just outside the circle. It’s so tempting, in those cases, to just continue your conversation, to almost view that person as an intruder. But Patricia did something different. She stepped back to include the new person in the circle.
I heard Susan tell that story a few years ago, and the grace Patricia Fripp showed in that moment has always stayed with me. As will Edith’s kindness the other night.
Oh, and by the way, Edith doesn’t know this yet, but we actually are related. I decided long ago that my family was not limited to the people who fed me breakfast and sent me to school when I was a bit shorter (though I’m grateful for that). Family is anyone you treat with love.
Pass it on.
(Originally published in “From Strength to Strength,” ideasmadereal.blogspot.com.)
©2010, 2012 Laynie Tzena. All RIghts Reserved.
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